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Important Biography


It's

Lauren

Time

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Important Biography


It's

Lauren

Time


~ IMPORTANT HISTORICAL TIMELINE ~ 


1984

Lauren's first word is "hamburger."


1985

Lauren names her first cat "Hamburger." 


1989

Lauren writes in her diary: "Today was TRULY the BEST day of my entire life. I got a Hello Kitty clipboard with my name on it." (She was serious.) 


1990

Lauren tells her mom she is running away from home, then goes and hides under her bed and falls asleep. In the hours that follow, the police are called and a search is started.  


1991

Lauren choreographs and performs a dance routine at her family reunion to "U Can't Touch This" by singer/songwriter M.C. Hammer. She does a hitch-kick so high she falls backwards, hits her head on the concrete, and gets a mild concussion. She comes to and finishes dancing, despite family members begging her to stop. 


1992

Lauren names her second cat "Cheeseburger."


1993

Lauren listens to "Cryin'" by Aerosmith 3,897,498,389 times. 


1995

Lauren records every episode of "My So-Called Life" on VHS and dyes her hair red. 


1997

Lauren names her third cat "Big Mac."


1998

Lauren gets a job at Magnets USA. She is a telemarketing wunderkind. 


Later 1998

Lauren is let go from Magnets USA for taking too many fake sick days. 


2001

Lauren is crowned Prom Queen. She is given a dozen roses and doesn't realize they are fake until the next day. Years later (and even now), she still puts on her tiara after one beer.


2002

Lauren is asked to be one of the regular on-stage cheerleaders during Weird Al Yankovic concerts when he performed his parody of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." She declines, but it becomes her biggest life regret.


2005 

Lauren gets a job doing PR for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. She attends Doughnuts 101 at their HQ in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and gets certified to manage a Krispy Kreme store. 


2006

Lauren eats 14 doughnuts in one sitting. 


2006, ONE MINUTE LATER

Lauren realizes she's gained 15 lbs. and also has 5 cavities. 


2012

Lauren meets her soulmate, a man named Jack Timmy. 


2015

By the way, Jack Timmy is a dog. #jacktimmy #jacktimmy #jacktimmy


2017

Lauren becomes a billionaire. 

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Meaningful Quote


Meaningful Quote


My greatest pain in life is that I will never see myself perform live.  

 

- Kanye omari west, musician