Lauren's first word is "hamburger."
Lauren names her first cat "Hamburger."
Lauren writes in her diary: "Today was TRULY the BEST day of my entire life. I got a Hello Kitty clipboard with my name on it." (She was serious.)
Lauren tells her mom she is running away from home, then goes and hides under her bed and falls asleep. In the hours that follow, the police are called and a search is started.
Lauren choreographs and performs a dance routine at her family reunion to "U Can't Touch This" by singer/songwriter M.C. Hammer. She does a hitch-kick so high she falls backwards, hits her head on the concrete, and gets a mild concussion. She comes to and finishes dancing, despite family members begging her to stop.
Lauren names her second cat "Cheeseburger."
Lauren listens to "Cryin'" by Aerosmith 3,897,498,389 times.
Lauren records every episode of "My So-Called Life" on VHS and dyes her hair red.
Lauren names her third cat "Big Mac."
Lauren gets a job at Magnets USA. She is a telemarketing wunderkind.
Lauren is let go from Magnets USA for taking too many fake sick days.
Lauren is crowned Prom Queen. She is given a dozen roses and doesn't realize they are fake until the next day. Years later (and even now), she still puts on her tiara after one beer.
Lauren is asked to be one of the regular on-stage cheerleaders during Weird Al Yankovic concerts when he performed his parody of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." She declines, but it becomes her biggest life regret.
Lauren gets a job doing PR for Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. She attends Doughnuts 101 at their HQ in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and gets certified to manage a Krispy Kreme store.
Lauren eats 14 doughnuts in one sitting.
Lauren realizes she's gained 15 lbs. and also has 5 cavities.
Lauren meets her soulmate, a man named Jack Timmy.
By the way, Jack Timmy is a dog. #jacktimmy #jacktimmy #jacktimmy
Lauren becomes a billionaire.